I am getting married!?

As the date grows closer, I find myself freaking out. Everyone who knows me always knew I am super pro-family, pro-wifey an pro-kids. I have always claim that my ambition is to be a wife and mum. However now that the big day is approaching, I find myself getting worried, scared and totally losing my mind.

The past months were really bad. Perhaps the preparation had really drained me. I was endlessly thinking about what gown(s) to choose (made more difficult by a $%^& bridal studio), what hairdo to style, what make-up, will i look good?, i need to lose weight, what my mum wants, what his mum wants, what I want, why does he not seem to want anything!, what items have i left out in my preparations, what has to be bought, who should be present, how to sit everyone, whose car, etc etc etc. If i drive u mad reading this, u would understand how I pretty much drove myself mad.

The man was as usual travelling and away half the time. The other half of the time that he was around, he was his usual nonchalent self. It did not help that he had no time and no suggestions. I got mad, he got mad that i got mad and we all became mad. It came to a point where I felt like screaming STOP, ignore everything and call it all off. I started questioning if this is really the step I want to take and if this is the man I want to be with for the next 30 years at least?

I also realised that I started feeling adversed to bearing kids. A big surprise to even myself as I have always known that I want to have kids and I love kids. But now I am worried about the process of pregnancy and raising a kid. How am I to bring the kid to innoculations and maybe enrichment classes like baby yoga etc when I have a man who is always too busy to help?

I know they say things will always sort out when the time comes but I can't help thinking all these negative thoughts. I seriously wanted to fight and argue with the man so he will put a stop to everything by announcing that he cannot stand me anymore. I lacked the courage to do it myself so I was really hoping to drive him to do it.

Now that the bridal shot is over I feel slightly relieved. I am beginning to think more of how to work things out than to shut down everything and hide. I guess I really cannot take the 2 week hiatus every 3 weeks whereby I have to face everything on my own. I really hope we can work on something and the man will not need to leave me for such long periods again.

House Keeping

all of a sudden today I missed shopping for the house. I miss those days whereby we go everywhere looking for the perfect furniture and accessory for the haven. It was fun to have an empty house to fill so that it is signaturely yours or rather ours =P

now the house is dirty (bad poochie! quit licking the floor already) and messy too as we start to clutter items. ok i promise to clear all the old mags and rearrange the walk in wardrobe.....eh next week la....

This is Me?

Your result for The Brutally Honest Personality Test...

Pollyanna- INFP

20% Extraversion, 80% Intuition, 33% Thinking, 27% Judging

So, you want to make the world a better place? Too bad it's never gonna happen.

Of all the types, you have to be one of the hardest to find fault in. You have a selfless and caring nature. You're a good listener and someone who wants to avoid conflict. You genuinely desire to do good.

Of course, these all add up to an incredibly overpowered conscience which makes you feel guilty and responsible when anything goes wrong. Of course, it MUST be your fault EVERYTIME.

Though you're constantly on a mission to find the truth, you have no use for hard facts and logic, which is a source of great confusion for those of us with brains. Despite this, in a losing argument, you're not above spouting off inaccurate fact after fact in an effort to protect your precious values.

You're most probably a perfectionist, which in this case, is a bad thing. Any group work is destined to fail because of your incredibly high standards.

Disregard what I said before. You're just easy to find fault in as everyone else!

Luckily, you're generally very hard on yourself, meaning I don't need to waste my precious time insulting you. Instead, just find all your own faults and insult yourself.

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If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.

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its no wonder then why i am moodly when i feel things are not perfect.

my weird man

My man drive me nuts almost all the time. He is not the usual boyfriend, fiance or husband type. I think he is from outerspace. His way of expressing himself is weird and he snaps really quickly when he feels hot, bothered or when things does not happen the way he wants it to. I have learnt to breath in, hold my tongue for 10s when such incidents happen and wait for my own quick burst of temper disperse before I face him so as to avoid arguements.

He is not the type that would gaze into my eyes and profess his love, nor will he kiss or hug me spontaneously. Being a typical cancerian, I crave affection and this ice cool man drives me nuts. In fact I lamented to him that we should probably not take bridal photos which typically has the couple gazing at each other and very apparently in love. He does not know how to gaze at me lovingly! We may end up looking at strangers who happen to be in the same shot!

Yet as I accept my choice (see previous post) and convinced myself I can survive with a life with my icy man, he surprises me with some warm gestures. Like offering to chip in for my folk's new refridgerator. It is really not about the $$ but I was all fuzzy inside simply cos he thought deeper and was so considerate. So guess what? I have saved the address of the raved peranakan vegetarian restaurant so as to reciprocate with a fuzzy dinner with his mum when he is back.

Life Choices

Ran into someone from the past last night and it got me thinking for a little while how I miss those days of fun. Almost every night be it weekday or weekend, i will be having fun, singing, playing pool, chatting, etc etc etc. It really has been so long since I last had fun like that. I was tempted to join them for a round but responsibility made me shake my head and bid adieus. Yes I had a fur ball waiting at home and I bet my man will not be too pleased about it too. Could have gone on the sly without him knowing but the thought of them calling me in future and me having to reject them many more times more deterred me. I think what i miss is the activities and not so much the company perhaps. The thing is life is so busy now we forget to inject some fun in our lives. He also does not like singing or playing pool. I really hope that he would try.

Maybe the past comes haunting? This morning I ran into C. C used to serenade me with his guitar and singing back in uni. He was really sweet and very SNAG material. He was also a high flyer who got 1st class honours, scholarships both local and in london and is now back in Singapore on EXPAT terms. can u believe it? back working in your home country on expat terms....anyway back when i was in spitland, he wanted to visit me. all the way from london He has always kinda clinged on to liking me and if i wanted i know i could have started something. He is one of the most successful, have made it guy I know. Yet I made my choice to not pursue anything as seriously there are no sparks. I know what people say about love fades and its companionship after a few yrs of marraige. It probably means I can be the Tai Tai i wanna be with him but I have made my bed and chose my guy. I will stick by my choice and make it work too. We may not be as rich but maybe we will be happier?

Temptations are always present and someone weaker may subcumb but I guess I am stronger than most. I hold faithfulness as the topmost priority and expect nothing less in return. I do not invite trouble by not even starting any possibility. Yeah so and so can be platonic friends but doesn't all trysts start off as friends? One innocent dinner/drink leads to a 2nd, one smsed good night leads to a good night kiss, one platonic relationship leads to a misunderstanding...... if there is a slight chance it will hurt my current man, i will pass.

This morning I walked the other way without even catching his eye or saying hi.

Loving someone who loves himself more

The most tiring thing has got to be loving someone who is self-centered. When I love someone, he is always on my mind. If I walk pass a shop or see something, I will naturally look out for things he may like or interesting things that I can tell him about. I will look forward to spending time with him.

Time during the journey in the car, time spent being at the same place at the same time does not count! Being physically near does not equate spending time together. Spending time means having a chat, cuddling together to watch a movie and laughing at the same scenes, taking a walk hand in hand with no other distractions other then shared thoughts. This I feel is the main thing that he cannot understand.

my notion of bad day = when u go from one shit hole to another after trying so hard

Poochie is a good way to show this. To me spending time with poochie is fun, is good and is also expected since we chose to add him to our lives. However if every night 95% of the time is spent focusing on poochie, 1 on 1 time between him and poochie and I only get the miserly 5mins before bed, the equation is seriously skewed and wrong. He obviously enjoys time with the poochie, so do I but if he only focus on what he likes doing, it means A) I am not even on his list of likable/enjoyable activity B) he only cares about his own happiness by doing what he enjoys and care naught about my feelings.

The same for today. I am sure he can take 40mins to have lunch if he will sacrifice play time with the poochie when he is home. In fact it will not be 40mins because even if he tabaos he will still take the same time to buy the food and eat it. The difference in time will just be maybe 15-20mins travelling. I just cannot understand why he cannot give me 20mins given that he has to leave for D again and this time in the afternoon!

I am pissed! Fine both can play the self centered game u know. We shall see.

Why so busy???

Really am baffled why we always feel that there is so much to do and so little time? I mean we are not the only one who have a dog, work, no maid etc but why issit that i see our friends having the leisure time to go for coffee sessions, shopping trips or outings when I can hardly finish all there is to do.

Weekdays we reach home between 8.15-9.30 usually. Whether or not I cook or we do take-outs tabao-ed meals and walk the poochie, the clock always read 10 - 11pm when we finally get to sit down on the sofa for a breather. Then we have to shower and get ready to bed between 12-1am. So on weekdays there is hardly anytime to squeeze in washing/cleaning or shopping other then a quick zip to supermart once a week.

On Friday, as I do not work on Sat, I will do 1 load of washing out of 3 (light colored, dark colored and towels). The man will help to vacuum/mop the floor. We are almost always the only ones home on Friday nights based on the emptiness of the carpark!

Sat morning whilst the man goes off to work, I will start the other load of washing :

• 9.30am - Load washing machine
• 9.35am - Ironing
• 10.35am - Break of 10mins to play fetch with poochie
• 10.45am - Hang out washed load
• 11.15am - Prepare food for the next week such as making soup stock, marinating and chopping up meats
• 12.30pm - Wash both toilets (ya unglam!)
• 1.00pm - Wipe surfaces and if nec mop the floor again
• 2.00pm - Man comes home =)
  

Who says 5 days work weeks means happy weekend? I seem to do more on the Sat half day then those who goes for the 1/2 day work in air con comfort =(

Remainder of Sat and Sun will be spent on errands, home-visit to ma and pa, poochie outing to dog run and poochie training class. And another week is gone.......

Of Style Vs. Practicality

Why does it seems just so practical to leave everything out within reach like the latest bills and magazines you were reading halfway on the coffee table. Keys and spare change too so they are easily within reach when u need to leave the house. The same goes for the vanity, i mean i need to use the same set of make-up in 24hrs and it is just much easier to have everything layed out within sight.

The convenience however irritates me too as it makes the house looks so messy! If bills and magazines goes into the study where it ought to be, it will make the living area look neater. but but what if i forget to pay the bills then cos its out of sight?

The same applies to fashion. That pain in the feet heels looks smashing with the new glam pants and blouse I bought but after an hour in it I am ready to amputate the feet to stop the pain. Flats and ballet pumps just do not make one look stylish and professional with a tinge of sexy.

Sigh....life's contradictions.

Not afraid of the dark

there are days whereby i just feel like hiding. i feel like an imposter now smiling to everyone and talking in a cheerful manner when all i wanna do is to curl up, let depression take over and space out. i do not wish to know how great your day was as mine feels like a bottomless pit. today i feel i need to hide in the dark so i do not have to put up a smile for anyone.

Broken Puppet

by me

There by the window

Sitting by the ledge

Cast aside and forgotten

My strings lay slack

The sun’s rays are making my wooden face crack

The rain’s droplets are making my pink costume wet

Once I danced on that glittering stage

Once they stood spellbound there in front of the stage

Now the pink has faded to grey

Now my painted smile looks less gay

I been sitting here exposed yet unseen

I been sitting here looking at the same backyard scene

Busy Bumblebee

Life has been very fulfilling and busy since Slurpie joined us. We try to do housework on Friday night so we enjoy the weekend better.

Sat is now healthy living with swimming (us time) and strolls around the neighborhood (slurpie doo doo time). Followed by a lovely homecooked dinner and R&R. I love my weekends now =)


Some pic updates of my latest kitchen trials


Home made cranberry scones for tea

Roast Chicken with Herbs and Wine, Steamed Garlic Scallops and Stirfry Tofu with Minced Meat.

The chicken was tender and fragrant, lots of work but totally worthed it when my man slurped it up.

Pineapple tarts made from scratch including the pineapple. Tart was crumbly as it should but pineapple was a tad too wet. However I like it that it was not as sweet as the usual store type. Achievement!

2008 Q1

2008 1st Q Reflections

2007 was a year of new beginnings. I returned to Sg after 2 yrs in Sha, we fell in love, we bought our first home etc etc. 2008 started off with more new changes. We completed our new home and shifted in. We bought our first puppy together. There is just so much to get used to and so much to learn on this new way of life.

Ever since we shifted in on 12th Jan, I have been trying my best to manage a home that will provide us with warmth, comfort and joy. There was endless packing and cleaning. Till now, not everything is in place. I still have loads of stuff at mom's place and of those that have been shifted over, many items are still laying in a mess in the study room wardrobe. I just keep avoiding having to plan where to put everything.

Cleaning is really a chore. No sooner have I empty one laundry bucket, it gets filled again. Each weekend I have to do at least 3 loads =( Ironing is the next stage in hell. And the floor....no matter how we have vacuumed or mopped, the place still does not seem clean enough as we always have the balcony doors open and living on the 2nd floor does not help. Still I have now manage to sort how to clear the laundry most efficiently but I need to think how to make ironing less tiring and cleaning more efficient. There are cobwebs in the corners and the surfaces have a layer of dust. My god how often does one have to clean every corner and wipe every surface! How does one work 50% of the time and try to squeeze R&R, cleaning and washing into one day, everyday?

Cooking wise, I am glad to say that I have thus far stick to cooking at least 3 meals a week. I stick by this principle as I want us to have some healthy no MSG and less oil food sometimes for long term good health. I cook soup every Sat, good ole cantonese soups that are nutritious and I have been experimenting new recipes. So far I have not repeated a dish yet and its been 2 mths. Yeah i am proud of myself. A slight problem though is the fact that I cook by feel, adding condiments and ingredients as I go along (prob watch too much Mrs. Fang when I was young when she always says this Shao Xu that Shao Xu), luckily usually the dish turns out fine, unluckily I may not be able to replicate the same taste the next round. The cleaning up after is tedious but I think its stil worth it. Somehow within me is the old fashion aunty who believes a good wifey has to know how to cook and make soups =)

There are endless things to do everynight after work and bedtime always creeps on us so quickly. I want to work towards better routines so we can have quality time. Imagine 2months and I have yet to try the pool or explore the linear park.

Every weekend we should at least do a sport be it swimming, tennis or just walking by the beach (so near yet we never go enough). Weekday nights as Slurpie grows, I hope we can go for a nightly stroll after dinner. We have to also balance our life so we should go for at least one formal date every fortnight, just the 2 of us, dressed up for a night out. Dun want to look back and only rem cleaning the house everyday!

Journey of Life?

given a choice would u choose

A) A bumpy ride of ups and downs that should eventually lead to the final destination - blissful heaven
B) A smooth pleasant time that has no destination and you end up back where u began only much older though not wiser

the Bs are those who live carefree lives, doing as they please, living life a day at a time having so call fun without worries or plans. they look at their peers, the As, who are slogging it out to carve a path for a better future, wrestling each day to build a life. Bs may sneer and smirk now but i trust their peers, As, will have the last laugh when in exchange for a few years of trying times the As may end up much better off. As for the B's, they realise they have been wandering in circles and there has been no progress forward.

Reflection of 2007

the year is coming to an end and 2007 has marked many events.

In 2007 I relocated back to Singapore after 2 yrs in spitland. it felt good to be home although i do miss the friends in spitland and the fun there too. No more little lobsters and hairy crabs, no more bargain buys with Mr and Mrs Bliss, no more late night singings and silly dancing with them too. But i am finally home!

In 2007 I went for the longest trip so far to NZ for 13 days and had a wonderful time

In 2007 I fell in love again

In 2007 We bought our first car SGW3333R

In 2007 We bought our first home (wheeee yippee!)

Falling in love brings with it laughter and tears. We have loads of fun with each other, we sing in the car, we laugh over silly jokes, we share crappy lines and we play mean to even meaner people. There were frustration and tears too as we learn to accept each other and work out how to think of the other as a part of ourselves. We have grown closer and now arguements are less heated and we make up much faster then before. It is heart warming to see this improvement as we both have smelly tempers and thus it shows how much we care when we are able to put pride and ego aside and be lovey again.

Preparing for our haven has also been a trying period. Lots to source and decide and compromise. Yet everything is falling in place and soon we will have a place to call HOME. I cant wait!

All in all 2007 has been a good year and we are ready for 2008! Bring it on!